


I Am Trying to Break Your Heart

by bashert



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: Episode: s01e05 Amen, F/M, Gen, Post Episode AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:51:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bashert/pseuds/bashert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And Will knew at that moment, looking at Mac trying not to let Wade Campbell upset her, that he was done trying to hurt her. At least purposefully. She deserved better from Wade, and to be honest, she deserved better from him too."</p>
<p>Post-"Amen." AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am Trying to Break Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I just don't know where this came from. I've been re-watching episodes, so I blame that. The title is from the Wilco song, and let me know what you think. I think I like it, but I've been wrong before.

 

  
_I am an American aquarium drinker_   
_I assassin down the avenue_   
_I'm hiding out in the big city blinking_   
_What was I thinking when I let go of you?_   
  
_Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning_   
_Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers_   
_This is not a joke, so please stop smiling_   
_What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?_   
  
_I want to glide through those brown eyes dreaming_   
_Take it from the inside, baby hold on tight_   
_You were so right when you said that I've been drinking_   
_What was I thinking when I said good night?_

_I am trying to break your heart_  
 _I am trying to break your heart_  
 _But still I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy_  
 _I am trying to break your heart_  
  
 _loves you_  
 _I'm the man who loves you  
_ \- Wilco

* * *

Will watched as every one of his employees walked into his office and placed a check on his desk. His arm was still around Mac, and she was leaning into him, an unreadable expression on her face.

He had forgotten how well they fit together. How well her body molded to his. Like a puzzle piece. He had forgotten what it was like to hold her, how good it always felt. He didn't want to move away from this moment, from her. He wanted to bottle it up and stay in it forever.

"This," he started to say, and she turned slightly under his arm, just enough so that she could glance up at his face. "was amazing. I can't believe you...this is incredible." Mac gave a shrug, but she blushed and hung her head slightly and he could see how pleased she was. Her nonchalance was well-practiced, but he had always been able to see through it.

"It's the least I could do," her voice was quiet. They stood for another minute or so before he realized what day it was.

Valentine's Day. It was Valentine's Day.

And Mac had a boyfriend. And while Will didn't think Wade was good enough for Mackenzie, and though he had plenty of thoughts and feelings on the subject, Wade was still her boyfriend. And Will might not have the best track record when it came to relationships, he knew that girlfriends spent Valentine's Day with their current boyfriends and not usually with their ex-boyfriends. Will was trying this new thing where he was her friend, and he gathered that friends were happy for one another when they were in stable relationships.

"You know, if you have plans, you can go," Will offered. "If you have dinner plans or whatever." Mac looked surprised, but she gave a small shake of her head.

"No, no plans," the answer came quickly, her voice soft.

"It's Valentine's Day, Wade isn't taking you to dinner?" Will asked, and this time Mac shifted her weight and leaned slightly away from Will. He missed the warmth of her body next to his immediately.

"We broke up," she reported flatly.

"When?" He asked, surprised.

"Tonight," she answered. "He, uh, he admitted that he was using me to advance his political aspirations." She was doing her best to sound unaffected, but Will knew better, knew _her_ better.

"He's a fucking idiot," Will said bluntly. And Jesus, Wade _was_. Will knew it had surprised Mac when he told her no one in their right mind would risk losing her, and he stood by that statement, even if it had surprised him too when it had come tumbling out of his mouth.

He knew that she thought that he hated her, and for a long time he did hate her, but that didn't mean that he didn't wish like hell things were different.

Will was more than well aware that at first, when Mackenzie came back, he did everything in his power to make her life a living hell. He knew that he was hurting her. He was doing it purposefully. And at the time, it almost felt good. Almost. Not quite, but he wasn't a total asshole. He was doing it out of retaliation. She hurt him first. _Brutally_.  
   
He had almost successfully blocked her out of his mind since the night he kicked her out of his apartment, ignoring the sounds of her crying against his apartment door, her breath catching in her throat. He told himself not to go out there, even if his instincts were to pull her into his arms and calm her. Instead, he had poured himself a stiff drink and turned on a Miles Davis record to drown out Mackenzie's sobs. (He still couldn't really listen to Miles Davis, which was a real shame.)  
   
He had been trying to forget about her, and he had been making progress until she showed up in his newsroom looking far more beautiful than she had any fucking right to look.  
   
He purposefully hurt her at first, and tried to ignore how his stomach would twist at the wounded look that would ghost across her face before she schooled her features into an impressive mask.  
   
"I deserve that," she said from time to time when his barbs were especially pointed and cruel. She would bite her lip a little, something he knew she did when she was trying not to cry, and he would hate her and himself in equal measure.  
   
After awhile, hurting her became almost second nature. Sometimes he wasn't even aware he was doing it until he caught her looking hurt.  
   
It wasn't something he was proud of. When he caught himself doing it, he tried to stop it, tried to halt the words as they poured out of his mouth, but by the time his brain caught up, the words were already out and Mackenzie was already steeling herself and trying to escape his wrath.

"Are you done?" She'd ask, trying to sound flippant and failing miserably. He'd pretend that he had no idea what she was talking about; he'd do his best to look confused and surprised.

Will wondered if Mac knew that he loved her, desperately, still, always. And that part of his anger stemmed from the fact that he _did_ love her, desperately, still, always. If he loved her less than forgiving her would be easier.

Fuck Wade Campbell, the idiot. And Will knew at that moment, looking at Mac trying not to let Wade Campbell upset her, that he was done trying to hurt her. At least purposefully. She deserved better from Wade, and to be honest, she deserved better from him too.

  
"Yeah, well, I'm a fucking idiot too," Mac replied with a short, bitter laugh. "It's fine, right? Better luck next time?" She turned her attention to the dwindling line of employees. Will opened his mouth to say more when Sloan interrupted.

"I think Martin gave you literally $3.50," she laughed. "Us single folks are heading down to Hang Chew's. Will, you want to come?"

"I'll come," Mac broke in before he could answer.

"What about..." Sloan started to ask, but caught sight of Will shaking his head vehemently and let the question trail off and hang in the air. Instead, she hooked her arm through Mac's and tugged her away from Will. Mac turned and gave him a small wave as she was pulled along, and it didn't take him long to decide to join them down at the bar.

Mac was already a couple drinks in when Will made it down, her cheeks flushed and her hands animated. She must be telling Sloan about Wade. Sloan's face was a cross between sympathy and anger. Will waited until Mac was finished speaking, focusing on her drink, before walking towards them.

"Hey, Coach," Mac greeted, a crooked smile on her face. "I'm going to go get another drink. I'll get you one." She teetered off her chair and over to the bar.

"I would really like to punch Wade Campbell right in the fucking face," Sloan said bluntly.

"Get in line," Will muttered.

"How could he _do_ that to her?" Sloan continued. "She's amazing. She is." Sloan glared at him as if daring him to contradict her. As if he would. As if he thought that Mac was anything less than spectacular. _That_ wasn't their problem. Will forever more worshipping at the alter of Mackenzie Morgan McHale was a foregone conclusion. He wished sometimes that she was less amazing, less intelligent, less _everything_ so maybe he could get over her. Or forgive her. What he wanted seemed to change daily, and he knew that wasn't fair to her, he wasn't that dense or self-involved.

"I know!" He exclaimed. "Trust me, I know." Sloan's features softened.

"Right," Sloan nodded.

"I got you scotch on the rocks." Mac slid a drink in front of him and dropped heavily into the seat beside him.  "It's been a day," she said, not particularly addressing anyone, or maybe addressing everyone. She took a long drink. 

"Yes, it has," Will agreed. 

"Fucking Wade," Mac mumbled. She must be feeling the alcohol, Will mused. Mac had never been very good at holding her liquor. 

"Ass," Sloan chimed in loyally

"The thing is, I'm not even that upset about the break up, I'm more upset that I was _such_ an idiot," for one horrifying moment, Will was afraid Mac was going to burst into tears, but instead she straightened herself up and finished her drink. "I can't believe I let him use me like that."  

"I'll go get you another drink," Sloan offered, leaving Will and Mac alone, Mac staring morosely into her empty glass.

"I'm really sorry," Will finally said, his voice sincere. "You deserve better." Mac gave out a snort, and then shook her head slightly.

"That's what Jim said earlier," Mac said softly. "Verbatim, actually."

"He's a smart kid," Will replied.

"I told him what I'm going to tell you," Mac said, climbing to her feet. Sloan reappeared with the drink, and Mac drained it quickly, slamming the empty glass down on the table. "I deserved exactly what I got." She grabbed her coat from the back of her chair. "I'm going to go. I have to go. Thanks for the drink, Sloan." She was out of the bar before either Will or Sloan could stop her. 

"One of us should," Sloan started.

"I'll go," Will insisted, throwing a few bills on the table and hurrying out of the bar after Mackenzie. She was half way down the street when he tumbled onto the sidewalk and he called after her, but she kept her head down and kept walking. He jogged to catch up, cursing her and his bad knees as he went.

"Mac! Come on! Wait up!" She finally stopped, her back still towards him, her arms wrapped tightly around her.

"I'm fine," she began. He wasn't buying it. She had plenty to drink and had been pretty upset. She was a lot of things, but fine was not one of them.

"Why are you walking?" Will asked. Her apartment was certainly not within walking distance, but she just shrugged.

"I couldn't find a cab," she mumbled. "Will, please go back to the bar."

"You're not fine," he told her.

"I'm having a pretty shitty day," Mac huffed. "I just want to go home and pour myself a large glass of wine and take a very hot bath." 

"You can't walk home," Will argued.

"I've survived war zones, I think I can take care of myself walking home in New York City," Mac shot back. They stood glaring at each other in a silent showdown before Will sighed.

"Let me walk with you at least," he finally said.

"I don't want to talk," Mac's voice was resolute.

"We won't talk, then," he put his hands up in surrender. "Just. You've had a few drinks and you're upset. Let me walk you home."

"Fine.

"Fine," he replied. They walked silently for a couple of blocks before he couldn't stand it. He stopped and it took her a few steps to realize that he wasn't next to her any longer.

She thought she deserved Wade treating her like that? It was Will's fault, at least partly, that was the kicker. A dynamic had been created where he hurled whatever dig or insult he felt like at her and she took it as her due. It was bullshit, and it had to stop. He had to stop it

"If you're going to walk me home, you have to actually, you know, _walk_ ," Mac said dryly.

"You don't deserve to be treated like Wade Fucking Campbell treated you," Will's voice was firm and her eyes widened in surprise. "You don't deserve how _I_ treat you. And it stops now and I'm sorry." She bit her lip and shook her head

"I ruined everything," she murmured. "I fucked it all up, because I was scared and I was an idiot. And if Wade Campbell is my penance, then I'll pay it. Because I deserve to pay it."

"Mac," Will was suddenly very tired. Tired of being angry and bitter and hating her when all he wanted to do was love her. He loved her. He just did. And he was tired of pretending otherwise. "It wasn't all your fault." And as soon as he said it, he knew it was true 

It wasn't all her fault.

"It wasn't all your fault," he repeated. "It _wasn't_.

"I slept with Brian," Mac reminded him, her tone razor sharp. "If I hadn't _done_ that, if I hadn't _told_ you, we'd still be together." Will's fists tightened at his side, almost involuntarily, at the mention of Mac and Brian Brenner. He didn't need to be reminded, he _knew_ , for God's sake, and he'd give anything to not know.

"Why did you tell me?" Will asked. "I would have never found out."

"If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't, but I had never been in a relationship as serious as ours, and I thought that was what I was supposed to do," Mac explained.

"You sure you didn't tell me because you wanted to break up?" He asked. It was a question he needed answered. He had never asked her her motivation in telling him about Brian before. He didn't know any of the details because he hadn't wanted to know any of the details. He wanted her gone before he did anything he could regret. And that was on him. He hadn't given her a chance to explain herself, he just pointed to the door and told her to get the fuck out. And get the fuck out she did. She got the fuck out of his apartment, the company, and the country, flinging herself off to distant parts of the world while he hid behind ratings and likability numbers.

"Oh fuck you," she immediately responded.

"It's a reasonable..." he started and she interrupted him.

"Yes I'm sure! Are you sure you're not just a massive bag of douche?" Mac shot back. She wrapped her arms around her more tightly and let out a long sigh. "Can we not do this right now? It's cold and I'm tired and I'd really just like to get home."

"I'm still in love with you," Will blurted. "And us breaking up, it wasn't all your fault. Yes, you slept with Brian, and I wish you hadn't done that, and I wish you hadn't told me, but I could have...I _should_ have let you explain and fought for us. That's on me, Mac." She ran a hand over her face and when she met his eyes again, he could see that she was crying, her bottom lip quivering and her eyes watery. "I'm so sorry. I should have fought. I should have listened. You were worth fighting for. We were worth fighting for." His hand darted out and grabbed hers, and she glanced down at their joined hands before looking back up at him.

"What now?" She asked.

"I think, if it's okay with you, I'd like to have a conversation that's about three years in the making," he explained. "And I'd like to kiss you." He gave her what he thought was his most charming smile and she let out a liquid laugh, and looked thoughtful for a moment.

"In that order?"  Mac wondered, and it was his turn to laugh.

"That can be renegotiated," he assured her, leaning in and pressing a searing kiss to her lips. When they finally parted, he grinned at her. "Happy Valentine's Day, Mac."

"Happy Valentine's Day, Billy," she replied.

"Now, can we please take a cab home? It's fucking cold out here," he asked, and she laughed, nodding her head and tangling their fingers together.

"Yes, please," Mac smiled. "Let's go home."

 


End file.
